Effortless Effervescence

…and this morning I decided NOT to respond to the day with my usual grousing, but to have a positive attitude. So what if it’s Monday? I can still have a good day, right? I mean, it’s only the first day of the work week. I do this every seven days, and I’ve learned that Monday always, eventually, slides into Tuesday…then Wednesday…then Thursday-Friday-WEEKEND-YAY! Then we start all over again. So what else is there to do that just accept where we are on the calendar and enjoy the day?

Yes, folks, I am such a Stuart Smalley/Pollyanna/Mary Sunshine that I won’t even let myself hate Mondays. Sometimes I’m ashamed of my disgustingly positive outlook, because I fear turning into someone that just annoys the snot out of everyone she knows. (And it’s entirely possible that I already annoy the snot out of everyone I know and just don’t realize it yet. But I won’t let myself dwell on such negativity!)

Yesterday I visited Coastal Community Church (again - I’ve been there several times over the past year or so). It was quite a different experience from the one I had last Sunday at Kempsville Presbyterian Church; the biggest difference being that I know quite a few people at Coastal (including several of the pastors), whereas I was completely anonymous at KPC. In the first few years after leaving Christ Church (a.k.a. the Cult), when my first husband and I were separated, I HATED running into people I knew from my old church life. I always felt like they were judging me, mourning my demise from Good Christian Girl to Heathen Divorcee. Whether they were or not is absolutely irrelevant - I was a big tub of shame and all I could do was project my negative feelings onto other people. For that reason I adamantly did NOT want to go to churches where I might run into anyone I knew. Actually, I didn’t want to go to church AT ALL, so I didn’t.

Well, it took a few years and a lot of healing, but I’m actually at a place where I don’t feel as if I’m wearing a big scarlet letter (at least, most of the time I don’t) and I want to go to church REALLY REALLY BAD, and I want to see people I know and like. Now, I’m finding myself in the middle of a different sort of weirdness. After being used for so many years at Christ Church, and giving every bit of energy (not to mention money, and, oh, self-respect) I had to the ministry, I was hyper-sensitive to being taken advantage of. Ironically, I ran into Coastal’s pastor a few years ago, and he said they really needed “folks like me” in their church. I was appalled. What, you want to use me? You see me as nothing more than someone who’s really good at working hard and leading Bible studies and printing bulletins and making coffee? I am a person, you know!

Yeah, that was probably a bit of an overreaction. Whoops. Yesterday, when the pastor took my hand and said how glad he was to see me, I was really touched - and glad to see him, too. I also ran into an old friend, who said how glad she was that I “came back” and that she was sure I’d love Coastal. On the one hand, I wanted to say, “Slooooow down, tiger, I’m just visiting! I have no idea what my home church is supposed to be - heck, I have no idea what ‘kind’ of Christian I’m supposed to be!” But on the other hand - and this is kinda bad, I think - my heart leapt at the idea of belonging again. Of having people glad to see me every Sunday. Of being part of something. Of being important. I mean, for a long time I was a big fish in the little pond of Christ Church. Everyone knew my name. I was a role model, an example. I was doing God’s work, and I felt a tremendous sense of purpose, but I also felt (ugh, this is hard to say) a lot of POWER. I had prestige and influence. Sure, I was overworked and underpaid, but in some ways it was worth it, just so I could feel important.

And you know, that’s not how I want to make my decision about my church home. On the one hand, I can tell that God is doing good things at Coastal - I teared up at several points during Sunday’s service, because I can see the positive effects of that place on people’s lives. Do I want to be a part of what God’s doing? Of course I do! But I want to do it for the right reasons, in the right time, at the right place.

So, more discerning is in order. More church-visiting. More praying. And most of all, more enjoying the process. Now that I have realized that I need a spiritual home, and now that I’m at a place where I’m comfortable searching, I need to keep my mind and heart open. It’s okay if I don’t figure things out right away, if I feel a little lost sometimes, because I know that God is guiding me.

In an effort to get back into the blogging swing, I’m going to do my first “Seven Quick Takes,” which Jennifer at Conversion Diary hosts every week. Speaking of Jennifer’s blog, that brings me to…

Take 1: I’ve been reading Conversion Diary obsessively for the past few weeks. I highly recommend you check it out if you’re at all interested in the philosophy of religion. Jennifer grew up with a purely atheist worldview, and a few years ago she decided to check out this Christianity thing and see if it had any value or substance. Well, apparently it did (for her) because she converted to Catholicism in 2007. Since I’ve recently re-embarked on a bewildering search for faith, I’ve been very interested in Jennifer’s conversion story. And in an odd twist that I NEVER saw coming, I’m finding myself increasingly drawn to the Catholic faith. Considering that I was raised to be rather prejudiced towards Catholics, that’s pretty, um, wild. And kinda awesome.

Take 2: Chrissy, my brother’s girlfriend, had some bad news this week: the dog she’s had since she was just a toddler had to be put down. So on Wednesday we went to the mall for some retail therapy so she could get her mind off the situation. We intended to see a movie as well, but everything was sold out by the time we got to the theatre. This probably had something to do with the fact that we hung out in the pet store for longer than we’d intended, cuddling soft, wrinkly English bulldog puppies. I’m glad that the price tag on the pups was outrageous ($3900!!!) because if it had been a little more reasonable, I might have started asking about financing options. I mean look at this face:

That’s not the dog I got to hold, but he’s darn close. Do you see now why I almost bought a puppy mill pup? You see how a person’s ethics could be stretched and strained by adorableness? My integrity can only take so much, folks!

Take 3: I would say something about Michael Jackson’s passing, but everything worth hearing has already been said. I enjoyed his music when I was young, but I wasn’t a HUUUUUGE fan. Same with Farrah Fawcett - I’m too young to remember the original Charlie’s Angels, so while her passing saddens me, it’s not the kind of personal hurt I felt when Heath Ledger or Kurt Cobain (two artists whose contributions to the world impacted me greatly) died. More than anything, I feel what I always feel when someone famous - or someone I know personally, as happened just two weeks ago - dies: Urgent. Life is so short, and we may as well live it as fully as possible. And by that, I don’t mean we all have to go out and cure cancer or write The Great American Novel or win the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, we’d better enjoy life every day, and be grateful for the small things. And we’d better not waste our time on pettyness. I know I sound preachy, but I’m really preaching to myself. I have an acute awareness of the fact that I only have so many days to enjoy life, and by golly, I’m going to make each one count.

Take 4: Of all the movies coming out this summer, I want to see The Time Traveler’s Wife most of all. If you’ve never read the book, do yourself a favor and buy a copy RIGHT NOW. Oh look, Amazon has it on sale. It’s a little bit sci-fi, a little bit romance, a little bit literary fiction. It’s the kind of book you want to take a nap in - you just want to soak up all the lovely sadness of it, and the bursts of joy. Of course, movie adaptations of phenomenal books rarely manage to be just as awesome, but considering that Rachel McAdams is in the title role (I’ve loved her since The Hot Chick, my favorite stupid teen movie EVER) and Eric Bana is playing the Time Traveler himself, I have high hopes.

Take 5: Just a week from tomorrow, the hubby, the in-laws and I are leaving on a road trip. I’m so excited to be getting away for a week, but I am going miss Milo (who’s going on vacation as well - to the “doggy hotel”) terribly. And the cats, too, I suppose… but mostly Milo.

Take 6: I went to my first Pampered Chef party last night, and as usual, I was the participant who got in trouble for interrupting too much. I was also so impressed with several of the tools that I ended up with a wish list a mile long. This is why I’ll be hosting a party of my own next month!

Take 7: Let’s make this one an audience participation type thing. What’s your favorite movie-made-from-a-book? What’s you LEAST favorite? For my favorite, I have to say Gone with the Wind, hands down. It’s a great adaptation - but I might just feel that way because I read the book AFTER I saw the movie. Least favorite? I’m going to have to say The Memory Keeper’s Daughter. I HATE Lifetime movies, but I hoped this one might be different. Alas, it wasn’t: poorly written, acted & directed, it hurt my eyes to watch it. *sigh*

It’s been a busy, non-blogging week. Here’s what I’ve been up to:

• I’ve been sick with a yucky cold since last weekend, when a sore throat showed up. It was followed by headache, congestion, and coughing. At times like this, I put all my trust in Ibuprofen + Pseudoephedrine to make me feel like a reasonable facsimile of a human being. Still, I’ve been operating at far less than 100%.
• I’ve been continuing my reading on religious (particularly Christian) matters. I’m not the sort of person who goes whole-hog on research; my attention span is short concerning things I don’t find compelling, so I’m doing a good bit of skipping from book to book. The God Delusion failed to hold my attention long, simply because I found the author’s tone so condescending. I do grasp Dawkins’ reasoning and can give his arguments credit, but I don’t think he & I will ever see eye-to-eye. And that’s okay. Right now I’m in the middle of Reasons to Believe: One Man’s Journey Among the Evangelicals and the Faith He Left Behind by John Marks. This book is interesting to me because I “get” Marks’ experience. However, it’s a slow-moving story, and I’m not quite sure what his point is, and it focuses on a segment of the Christian population that may not be as interesting to others who haven’t lived in it, as I did.
• I’m woefully behind on a beta reading assignment, so when I feel well enough to think cognitively, I’ve been pushing through his novel’s partial first draft.
• My husband and I gained two new roommates: my younger brother & his girlfriend will be staying with us for a few months. It’s a comfortable arrangement except that I think my dog might like them better than me.
• Progress on my memoir is currently stalled. No, make that full-stop. I have only myself to blame. And only myself to rely on if I expect to start moving again.
• Preparing for our upcoming vacation, which includes scheduling Milo for his annual visit and immunization updates so he can safely stay at the local kennel. (We go on vacation and the dog does, too!)
• Ordinary, boring life-type stuff such as laundry and organizing and cleaning.

I think - I hope - that my cold is on the downswing and that I’ll be happier/perkier/bloggier soon. Until then, please send thoughts of clear sinuses my way.

Oh, dedicated Smooch-fans, how could I have abandoned you for so long? Mostly because I was so wrapped up in other stuff that I haven’t been in a blogging place. After my last post about Rev. Cutie, I had some very interesting conversations with a couple of friends, so I’ve been in a very thinking-and-reading-about-God-and-searching-my-soul place. Basically, I’ve been thinking for so long about the kind of Christian I don’t want to be that I’ve forgotten to think about (and work towards) the kind of Christian I DO want to be. And that’s just silly - no one ever reached a goal by avoiding all the goals they didn’t want to hit. Right?

There are some aspects of my faith that I just “know in my knower” - I KNOW that God is love, I’ve experienced it, I can’t deny it. (Which is not to deny that many people have experienced God & the church as the opposite of love - I’m trying to own my experience while keeping a respectfully open mind to others’.) There are also aspects of my faith that need help, that need to grow. To that end, I went to the library on Saturday and checked out nearly a dozen books on Christian apologetics. Today I returned to the library to pick up two books on “Atheist apologetics,” and I have one more book on that subject on reserve. (I know that the volume to Christiany books vs. the volume of Atheisty books represents a firm bias towards religious belief, but in my defense, I know what names & concepts to look for in the Christian apologetics field, and I only have a couple of recommendations of Atheist works to go on. I think I should at least get credit for trying to get the full story from both sides. Right? Give me a cookie for that, okay?)

Speaking of Atheisty books, I’m about two chapters into Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion, and I think it says a lot about who I am that I’m tempted to throw the book across the room not because of Dawkins’ attacks on God but because of one rude little comment about feminism. Hey, I’m used to hearing that it’s dumb to believe in a big man in the sky who sees me when I’m sleeping and knows when I’m awake and knows if I’ve been bad or good. (So be good, for goodness’ sake!) I am NOT used to (and NOT tolerant of!) someone telling me it’s dumb to think that women should be treated with the same respect as men because we’re all human beings, after all. Oh, Mr. Dawkins. If you only knew how many people you’d alienate from your otherwise rational discourse on theology with one flippant phrase.

But because I pride myself on having an open mind (and because I am genuinely curious about this man’s arguments against Christianity, considering that I worked in a bookstore when The God Delusion was at the top of the bestseller list and the snazzily-designed, foil-covered volumes were selling like $7 beers at an outdoor concert in, say, Virginia Beach on a 100-degree day) (no, really, people were paying that much! I was one of them) I will overlook that one offense against my feminist ideals. But really, gentle Smooch-fans, if YOU were writing a book about views that are already controversial, would you want to further piss off the literate world by attacking a whole other non-religious belief system? I think a secular humanist would tread a little more lightly around feminism, for God’s sake. (Or rather, for not-God’s sake.)

But enough of my righteous (or non-righteous?) indignation. It’s late, and instead of typing, I should be reading. Have a lovely evening, my friends.