Behind the Masks
(Normally Fridays are the day to share my Seven Quick Takes, but this week I have something on my mind that can’t be stuffed into a “quick take.” I do recommend that you take a look at the SQT posts featured on Conversion Diary today!)
Have you ever had the feeling that someone just doesn’t like you? I get that feeling a lot, partly because some people DON’T like me (it’s shocking, I know) and partly because I was kind of an outcast as a child, so I always assume that when a situation becomes a little awkward, I’m doing something wrong. (Which is rather self-centered and yes, I’m aware that if I would just stop obsessing about it I’d probably do just fine, but that’s like telling a tiny hairless dog to just stop shivering. It’s in our nature, okay?) My “effortlessly effervescent” personality can, in unfamiliar and stressful situations, become loud, abrasive and domineering, so it’s no surprise that sometimes when folks first meet me they’re a little put off. Usually once they get to know me (and I remind myself to dial it down, for Pete’s sake) we end up just adoring each other.
Then there are the folks whose personalities just don’t mesh with mine, or who, for one reason or another just don’t like me. Or I don’t like them. I know this is okay - we don’t have to be BFFs with everyone we meet - but it still unnerves me a little bit. I feel like I should get along with everybody, even when the getting along is a Herculean effort. And I know that many other people have been in this situation - actually, I’m sure we ALL have! - but I still often feel as though I’m the only socially awkward loser out there.
The reason I bring this up is that I was feeling as if the leader of my Bible study just didn’t like me. I mean, we could make small talk, but every once in awhile during the group discussions, she’d give me a look or say something that made me think, “Uh oh, I must be hogging the conversation.” or “Uh oh, that comment must have been really shallow/mean/prideful/stupid.” And I’d resolve to sit back quietly throughout the rest of the evening. But I don’t sit back quietly very well! And so I was starting to feel as if I was in the Wrong Place. What was I thinking joining this study group? I’m not ready to be hanging out with Real Christians yet!
Well, this past Wednesday, God arranged it so that the group was just me and the leader. The other three attendees had emergency doctor’s appointments or whatever. I have to admit that at first I PANICKED. I was like, “Oh my God, I’m stuck for two hours with someone who doesn’t like me. She thinks I’m a heretic, and a loud obnoxious one at that. She’s judging me. Oh my God, SAVE ME.” But under the panic was a small voice that said, “This is a God thing. You’re supposed to be alone together.”
So we settled in with our notebooks and coffee and cookies - and she let her dogs out of their room so they could curl up with us - and watched the DVD that goes along with our Bible study. When the DVD session was over, we began discussing the topics it covered… then wandered into related subjects… and started sharing very openly about our lives, our past mistakes, our fears for the future, what we’re currently struggling with. We found out that we have a whole lot more in common than we’d realized, and we encouraged each other without judgement. It was a holy time, beautifully set apart just so this woman and I could get to know each other beyond the facades we presented at church.
The small coincidence of our one-on-one evening is just one of many small coincidences that God has worked in my life. In these little God-incidences (as I’ve heard them called) I learn that things aren’t always what they seem, that God’s got a plan, and most of all, I am reminded again of how much God loves me.
I used to say, years ago, when I often counseled and prayed people who were hurting, that when someone poured out their heart to me, trusted me with the darkest parts of their soul or their brightest hopes and dreams, I felt as if they had just handed me a million dollars. I was always humbled and honored that anyone would feel safe enough with me to trust me with the treasures of their heart. And this week, for the first time in a very long time, I felt that way again.
Chris Said,
October 16, 2009 @ 5:38 pm
I get that feeling whenever someone doesn’t reply to my emails, which actually happens pretty often.
Marie Said,
October 19, 2009 @ 9:14 am
Every time I walk into the high school to teach I feel myself go into auto-crump-up, I want to cross my arms and hunch my shoulders and look down when I walk. I think that’s why I’m so guerrilla warfare about schools slapping girls down when they are mean to each other. I hate how important it is to be “liked”, we can tell ourselves it doesn’t matter, but it does.
Glad you were able to find a new way. We definitely act differently in groups than one on one, I think we guard ourselves so much in groups that we can come off as judging when we’re really just being wary.
Good post.