Effortless Effervescence

(Photo credit.)

There’s more quick takes over at Conversion Diary. Check ‘em out!

Earlier this week, Jen posted seven lessons she learned in 2009 (I guess she really likes the number 7) and got me thinking about all I’ve learned and done this year. Bethany Hudson invited us to share ten resolutions for 2010 and I started thinking about what I want to accomplish in the year ahead. So this week’s Seven Quick Takes is going to be a little different, and it’ll be a two-parter. Today I’ll talk about the past, and tomorrow I’ll talk about the future.

1: It’s okay to feel angry/hurt/disappointed/sad. I don’t know where it came from, but I used to feel guilty for being angry with a loved one. I used to try to talk myself out of it. “She didn’t mean to do that. She’s under a lot of stress. I could have handled the situation better myself. I shouldn’t hold a grudge.” This year I realized - actually, I think it was actually a revelation, if you believe in that Holy-Spirit-woo-woo stuff - that being upset doesn’t make me a bad person, and it doesn’t mean I think the other person is bad. I gave myself permission to step back from relationships when necessary and deal with my negative feelings honestly. I think this lesson was very important in helping me in learning a lesson I’ve been struggling with for years: setting and maintaining boundaries.

(Photo credit.)

2: Along the same lines, I also realized that it’s okay to be tired, and it’s okay to rest. Getting pregnant helped with this - or rather, forced me to accept the truth of it - because for a period of a few weeks, I wasn’t capable of being ZOMG!productive. I could barely get through the work day and do a couple of chores before and after. By 7:30 every evening, I became a TV-watching slug; sometimes I just went to bed. I often felt guilty for not multitasking or checking things off my mental to-do list, but I was literally unable to function! So I let myself read for pleasure. I watched lots of movies. I ignored the dirty dishes for a day or two. I napped. And it felt GOOD.

3: God’s not done with me yet. I began 2009 thinking of God and Jesus in a very abstract sense, and with a lot of residual anger toward a nameless, faceless horde of people that I labeled, “THOSE kind of Christians.” While I think I came into that anger honestly (being spiritually abused will do that to a person) I hadn’t realized I’d become so hateful until I hurt someone I really like and respect, who happens to be a Christian. Though I didn’t think of her as THAT kind of Christian, she pointed out to me that my negativity towards people who shared her beliefs still hurt her, and that it probably hurt God. She also challenged me to consider what it is I believe in, and what kind of believer I want to be. It’s not enough just to say, “Oh, I’m not one of THOSE Christians,” because that just begs the question, “Well, then what sort of Christian are you?”

That was over six months ago, and I’m still not sure what the answer is. However, spending these months studying theology, reconsidering the things I’d dismissed as useless dogma of human invention, praying, discussing, wondering, seeking… well, it’s been quite exciting and a little scary. I’m not sure where I will end up faith-and-religion-wise, but I believe that God is at work in my life, that He has things to teach me and ways he wants to use me. That’s very cool.

4: I’m ready to be a mom. For years I’ve waffled on this subject. Do I or don’t I want to have children? Am I too selfish, too busy, too screwed up? Reading Rebecca Walker’s book Baby Love let me know that I wasn’t alone in this agonizing indecision. And like Walker, after feeling uncertain and a tad bit schizophrenic on the issue of children, I finally decided that yes, I’m ready. I may be selfish and busy and screwed up, but that’s never stopped anyone from having kids before. I wouldn’t let fear of my neuroses keep me from having the family I longed for.

5: Then I met my husband’s son this summer and realized that I already AM a mother. C.J. was important to me from the moment Jon and I started dating. I was intensely concerned with his well-being and prayed for his mom and dad’s difficult (sometimes VERY difficult) relationship. After Jon and I got married, I made C.J. a priority in our financial plans, and delighted in sending him cards and gifts throughout the year.

But it wasn’t until we spent a week with him in July that I realized - to my surprise and delight - that I could love someone SO MUCH without being related to him by blood, without carrying him in my body or even knowing him very long. I knew I still I wanted to have all the things I’d missed out on with C.J. - the hormonal craziness of pregnancy, the late nights and exhausted days, diapers and potty training, first words and first steps. If that never happened, though, it was okay, because God had given me one incredible little person to love.

6: If you’re going to “trust God” with something you REALLY want, be prepared for some surprises. And be prepared to find out how difficult trusting can be! After many months of debating with my husband about whether we could afford another child, we decided to “pull the goalie” in mid-August. I firmly believed that putting off inviting a new little life into the world because of money was dumb. Would my retirement fund snuggle with me and ask me to read it another bedtime story? NO. And I reasoned that if God wanted us to have a baby, he’d provide for our needs.

Besides, it could take us years to get pregnant, right? I mean, I’d been on hormonal birth control for nearly half my life. We’d just wait and see what happened, and “trust God” with the outcome.

I’ll tell you want happened: I got pregnant less that two months later. And I found out that this trusting God thing is a lot easier to say than do! My daily prayer (kinda wild-eyed and desperate as I try to figure out how we’ll budget when the mini arrives) is, “Lord, you wouldn’t have given us this child if you weren’t going to provide for him or her. So it’s up to you God - take care of us!”

(Photo credit.)

7: It is possible to have too many pets. But we didn’t let that stop us from adopting two kittens and a puppy this year. Even though we’ve spent many millions thousands of dollars on food and treats and vet visits, even though our living room furniture is embarrassingly stained and torn, even though I’ve lost five pairs of shoes and three books to the destruction of puppy teeth, and even though I haven’t had a week go by in Idon’tknowhowlong that didn’t involve cleaning up some form of excrement… I still love our menagerie. Somehow, the snuggles and laughter makes it all worthwhile.

Pretty girl!

Napping with Randall and Milo.

So tell me: what did YOU learn in ‘09? If you don’t know where to start in your reflections, take a few minutes to visit Michael Hyatt’s blog and answer his Seven Questions. (There’s that number again…)